


Moments

by faktorypak



Category: Katawa Shoujo
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, My First Fanfic, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24947134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faktorypak/pseuds/faktorypak
Summary: It's the little things between Rin and Hisao that matter the most.
Relationships: Nakai Hisao/Tezuka Rin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

Rin and I were leaning against the mural outside the dorms.

It might have been because we bundled up, or it could have been the slow embrace of hypothermia finally embracing us, but I didn’t feel that cold. It helped that Rin was leaning against me, providing me with just a tiny bit of extra warmth. Still, it felt cozy for the outdoors in winter.

We had probably been sitting there for at least an hour. I don’t know how this had become one of our routines, sitting here and doing nothing, but I don’t think either of us cared much.

What I did care about was the cold, which only got worse whenever the Sun began to set. Which it began to do. This might have been an appropriate time to say something to Rin.

I could comment that the sunset was beautiful. I could comment on how quickly the time had passed. Or, I could just say nothing.

I chose to say nothing.

Firstly, she already knew the sunset was beautiful. We had both said so, from this very position, many times. Besides, who doesn’t think the sunset is beautiful? There are so many songs written about it, poems written to it, and pieces of art depicting it. We both knew we wouldn’t be treading new ground there.

And secondly, I hoped she already knew how much time had passed. Even though the days were so short in the wintertime, the time between the end of art club and the sunset was a large fraction of the daylight.

Somehow, saying nothing was not only the simplest option, but the best.

We sat there until the orange and red colors of the sunset had almost completely faded. It was a mundane but nice way to end the afternoon and begin the evening.

“We spend most of the day sitting.”

Rin’s comment was pretty much par for the course. The weirdest part of her comment was that I had been thinking something similar for once. She continued.

“I bet we spend at least 80% of the day sitting or lying down. Not counting the time we sleep. That would probably make it 90% or maybe higher.”

“Do you mean ‘we’ as in you and me, or ‘we’ as in people?”

Rin shrugged. “Both?”

“Sure, that’s probably true. Sitting takes less energy than standing.”

“Maybe we should stand and stare at the sky instead of sitting and staring at the sky.”

Rin closed her eyes before continuing.

“For our health.”

Still staring at the sky, I considered her idea a bit before responding.

“I think I’ll stick with sitting. Besides, burning energy standing means less energy for keeping us warm. I’d rather stay warm than burn a handful of calories.”

I don’t know when I started thinking in this backwards, Rin-compatible logic. I didn’t even know if what I said made any sense, let alone if it was correct. This pattern of thinking probably wasn’t befitting of a future scientist. Or science teacher. Or whatever I would do with a degree in Chemistry.

The benefit of this thought process made itself known as Rin effortlessly continued the flow of conversation, breaking me out of my worried thoughts about the future.

“That’s true. Maybe I should eat more. To get more calories to stay warm to prevent hypothermia.”

Mid-thought, she let out the least emotive gasp I had ever heard.

“That must be how you stay so warm, Hisao.”

“I’m not sure that eating more is why I’m warmer than you.”

“But you’re not just a little warmer. You’re warmer by a lot. Just like the amount you eat. It’s also a lot. Yes, your eating habits must be the source of your body warmth.”

She added a satisfied nod, as if she had solved a murder-mystery.

That might have been the first time I had ever heard Rin talk about diets or even use the word ‘diet.’ I didn’t take it as an insult, though. I had spent too much time around Rin to know that if she wanted to insult me, her words would have been much blunter. Still, I felt somewhat defensive, and I let it show.

“I only eat more than you because I weigh more than you.”

I was pretty sure that this wasn’t just Rin-logic, but that I was actually right.

“You shouldn’t make comments about a girl’s weight, Hisao. It’s impolite.”

“Don’t most people say that when you say they’re heavier than they are, not skinnier? Besides, you have fewer limbs than me. I think it’s fair for me to say that I weigh more than you.”

If I didn’t know Rin so well, she likely would have taken some offense to this comment at her disability.

“Touché.” She swung her arms back and forth a few times as if she was demonstrating which limbs she was missing, the bottom half of her cardigan’s sleeves flapping as she did so.

I smiled a bit, not because I won this weird and heated debate, but because these moments with her were some of my most cherished moments at this school. Maybe even of all my memories. The subject of our conversations didn’t matter much to me. Most of the time, we talked about nothing important at all.

It just mattered that I could talk to her in such a strange and beautiful way, without worrying about sounding smart or being cool. I could just be all the weird parts of myself, and she clearly wasn’t going to stop doing the same just on my account.

I used to feel alienated by her because I wanted to understand her but couldn’t. To say I understood her now might be an overstatement, but being able to hold my own in a conversation with her made her feel less distant.

We both basked in the post-discussion enlightenment that had passed over us when my stomach growled. Quite loudly, at that. Rin noticed.

“You must be hungry.”

“Talking about food will do that to you. You’re probably hungry too now, I bet.”

Rin paused as if she was internally asking her stomach if this was true.

“I am.”

“Shall we, then?”

Rin gave me a smirk, her eyes at half-mast.

“I suppose so.”

My legs were just waking up as we started our walk into town.

* * *

Though I thought I was aware how much time we had wasted sitting and doing nothing together, the restaurant had already begun closing its dining area when Rin and I arrived.

Less surprising was the out-of-breath, post-workout phone call from Emi that turned into a dish added to our takeout order. It was to be expected, though, and I didn’t mind – Emi had never failed to pay me back for anything, at least as far as I remembered. She had added to our order most of the times we had gotten takeout in the past few months, and it was no trouble at all for us.

Rin and I walked back to the dorms in almost complete darkness save for the light of the moon and the dim glow of stars. The winter breeze had picked up since the sunset.

At some point during the walk, Rin put her head onto my shoulder. It made me smile a bit. Physical contact was another thing in our relationship that, though small, always remained in my mind whenever I thought of her. It’s hard to feel distance when you’re touching someone.

It would have been even nicer if it didn’t make walking back from the restaurant an awkward and clunky endeavor.

Rin must have noticed that it was making it difficult for both of us to walk at a normal pace, and she stopped after a short while. She didn’t seem pleased about it, though.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her expression turn from confused to irritated to sad. I figured I’d ask about it.

“Something up?”

“We can’t hold hands.”

Ah.

“If you’re worried about me, I don’t mind at all.”

“I mind. I see people doing it all the time. They always look so happy. Sometimes I wonder if it makes them closer or better or happier. Because they look happier after they start than before they started.”

Rin rarely lamented her disability. She never seemed sad that she couldn’t paint with her hands, or that she couldn’t easily dress herself, or that she had to use her feet for most daily activities. She seemed okay with all the things she couldn’t do, at least the things that came easily to my mind. But those were just the things that I thought of and imagined. It was different for her, having to actually live it.

I usually wasn’t big on public displays of affection, but right then it seemed warranted.

“…Here.”

I put my arm around Rin’s waist and brought her nearer to me.

“It’s not hand-holding, but is it alright?”

She was blushing, a rare and pleasant sight, as she mulled my question over in her head.

“It’s pretty good. It’s more like something that you’re doing to me rather than something that we’re both doing to each other…

“…but it’s nice.”

“I’m glad. Besides, holding hands is overrated. When you hold hands, they can get cold if it’s too windy. This way, I can just put my hand in your pocket, see?”

I had snuck my hand into the far pocket of her cardigan. She gave me a coy smirk.

“Clever. You’re like an evil genius.”

“You’ve said that before.”

“That just makes it even truer.”

As we walked back to the dorms, our stride was still a little uneven, but we didn’t mind.

* * *

Emi was thrilled when Rin and I gave her the entrée she ordered.

“Thanks for picking something up for me! And sorry about the sorta frantic call, I just didn’t see you guys by the gate so I figured I had to call quick before you got the food.”

Emi seemed to have taken note of our consistency even more than we had, which made sense since she had something to gain from it. Rin and I were a free delivery service for her at this point. Well, it was mostly me, but I didn’t mind. We always ate in her room anyway, which relieved me and Rin from the responsibility of cleaning up afterward.

Still, I appreciated the thanks. “It’s no problem. It’s probably good you called, because I think most places are closing by this time of night. You must be starving if you haven’t eaten since your workouts.”

“Calories.”

Rin’s interjection connected to our conversation from earlier, so I understood what she was talking about, but it made no sense. Emi completely ignored it.

“Yeah, you guys stayed out later than normal! I mean, my workout went long too, but I thought you’d be right on schedule…”

“…Sorry about that, I guess we must have lost track of time.”

Why was I apologizing for not being ‘right on schedule?’ I wasn’t aware that Emi had been keeping us on a schedule until that very moment.

Emi seemed to accept my apology nonetheless.

“It’s all good, it’s all good! So anyway…

“What were you two lovebirds up to?”

The mischievous wording of her otherwise wholly innocent question took me aback. Thankfully, Rin responded faster than I was able.

“Are we lovebirds? I didn’t think we seemed like lovebirds.”

…This was evidently the sort of response Emi was waiting for.

“Oh, I don’t know. I mean, you guys have just been spending a lot of time together! And you’re always in deep conversations, or going on long walks, or having really long study sessions, or—”

I interrupted her, hoping to stop this embarrassing exposé.

“We get it. And we weren’t up to anything, we were just…hmm…”

It seemed impossible for me to say ‘we were watching the sunset together’ without falling right into some sort of trap Emi was laying. Thankfully, Rin again responded on our behalf.

“We were watching the sunset.”

This is the second time Rin had managed to activate the part of Emi’s brain that sent her into a meddling state.

“Oh-ho-ho? Is that right? I’m just surprised, because it seems like you two must have been so cold out there…”

“Actually, we were—”

I stopped Rin before she fed Emi any more information.

“Made any progress on the college search, Emi?”

Got her. This was one of the tried-and-true tactics of conversation-killing, pioneered by thousands of parents and teachers before us. Thank you, Mutou.

“It’s going pretty well, actually! I already applied to a few public schools, especially ‘cuz that’s where the sports are the liveliest. Still hoping to do some running if I get scouted! How’s the search going for you two? Hisao?”

Dammit. It’s as if I tried to trip her, but instead of falling over, she doubled her pace. Instead, I was the one tripping over myself. That sounds like an Emi maneuver, all right.

“Oh, umm… I’m also just looking right now. Public schools, mostly, not for the sports but just because they’re cheaper.”

Unexpectedly, Rin made the next inquiry.

“Where were you looking?”

She had seemed to tune out once we started the college talk, which I thought wouldn’t have progressed this far, so it was a surprise to be answering to her now.

As I was listing the universities I applied to, she gave me what looked like nods of approval as Emi raised her eyebrows. Eventually Emi’s interest was so piqued that she interjected me mid-sentence after I named a particularly large university.

“Hisao, why didn’t you tell me sooner? I was looking there too! If we ended up at the same school without telling each other, I’d never forgive you!”

Rin, surprisingly, chimed in again.

“I think Mr. Nomiya had a friend who worked there. Or worked near there. One of those places. Or maybe multiple. It’s probably multiple because he knows so many people.”

It was strange to hear Rin talking about the future, especially in the same sentence as Mr. Nomiya. She never seemed serious when she talked about her plans after Yamaku, and the last thing I expected was to hear her discussing her specific prospects. It was less unexpected to hear Emi’s enthusiasm about the crossover in our searches.

“What if we all went to the same university? That would be so much fun! I mean, we’d still be doing our own things, but it would be so nice to know a few people when you go in, right?”

The university we were talking about didn’t particularly interest me, but I had to admit that she was right. It would be nice to have a few people you already know at your university, especially people you’re close with. Though I knew a few people grades above me who went there now from my last school, I wasn’t that close with them. Not as close as I was to Emi. Or Rin.

“That would be nice.”

And then, for the first time, I had a pleasant conversation about college. And about the future.

Our future.

* * *

“I’m worried about the future.”

It always amazes me how much I try to expect the unexpected around Rin. What amazes me even more is how often I fail to do so.

The time just before we fall asleep in her slightly-too-small dorm bed is usually a time for strange statements or abstract questions, just like when the sun begins to set. I thought I would be ready, but I guess I must have been expecting something…stranger. Still, I have a follow-up question for her.

“What’s worrying you?”

She shakes her head before responding.

“I don’t know. Nothing. Everything. School, life, art.

“Sometimes I’m worried that I’m gonna go to a fake school, like I pay money and bring all my bags and then there’s nothing there. Like university is all one big prank on me and I’m on TV or something. Or there are no universities anywhere and the whole system is a sham.

“Sometimes I’m worried that I’m gonna go to a real school and almost graduate but then my foot falls off, my right one, so I have to use the other one to do art, but I have to start school all over again because my left foot doesn’t know all the stuff they taught my right foot.

“Sometimes I worry that you and Emi are going to leave me behind, and I’m gonna try to do everything on my own and I can do it but I miss you guys because you think I don’t want you anymore just because I don’t need you anymore, but I do because even though I can do things it’s still harder without you.

“Hisao, sometimes I worry that we’re gonna have kids, which isn’t bad, but then you die of a heart attack or something and I have to explain to them that you’re not here because you’re in heaven, but I can’t do it without crying so I have to—”

“Shhhhhhh… Rin, hey, Rin, it’s going to be okay. None of that stuff is going to happen. I promise.”

There was silence as I stared at her. Her eyes were shut tight, as if to stop herself from starting to cry.

“…Thanks. I was gonna keep going but I think it’s good that I didn’t. I don’t think any of that stuff is going to happen either but I’m worried it might.”

Her fears seemed easy for my logical side to debunk, so I tried.

“I don’t think there are any fake schools out there you could apply to, and I’ve seen a lot of schools that I can confirm are real. And me, you, and Emi just said we were going to try to all go to the same school, so that rules out those two worries. I guess I can’t promise that your foot won’t fall off, but I don’t think it’s likely. As for the last one…”

The other ones were pretty ridiculous, but the last one hit me a little. Not only because it was so dire, but it was a situation I had often worried about as well.

I hadn’t had any heart issues this whole trimester, but the thought was always looming in the back of my mind. The thought of being a father had crossed my mind, but hearing Rin validate that fantasy with one of her own was… comforting, even if we shared anxieties about it.

Rin and I’s relationship had been going well for a while, so much so that worries about the future hardly bothered me anymore. I would do everything I could to make sure it worked out, and I felt like Rin would do the same.

Though having kids or getting married or just moving in together were probably far in the future, I could see them all happening. But it wasn’t going to happen for us if I wasn’t there.

For a while, I’d known that I didn’t want my heart condition to control me. But this moment was a turning point for me. I didn’t just need to stay alive for me, but also for the people around me.

Especially her.

“I’m going to do everything I can to keep myself alive. I don’t want you to ever be afraid of me dying, okay?”

Rin didn’t respond, which was fine. She just brought herself closer to me again. I don’t know if she was crying, but she was shaking. I held her tightly. She did the same to me, albeit in her own way. It was surprisingly comforting.

“You’re warm.”

“It’s probably all that food I ate.”

“I knew it.”

I used to think that I wanted to protect Rin from the world. But the closer I get to her, the more I think that the best thing to do for her is protect myself.

I’m going to start running with Emi again. If that doesn’t keep my heart alive, I don’t know what will. It will probably suck, just like the last time I tried it.

But it’s worth it for her.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit shorter than the first. I think most in the future will be.  
> I'm trying to come up with ideas for the next few chapters.

* * *

“… I really don’t know what to say.”

“You can say whatever you want. But you can’t just say that it’s good. You always say that. You have to be more specific.”

The features of Rin’s most recent painting were difficult for me to decipher. It didn’t help that it was late evening and I felt mentally drained. Rin and I had stayed late in the art room because Rin had “just a few more spots” on her painting that she needed to finish. When it was finished, I offhandedly commented that I liked it, but she responded by telling me to be more specific. Now I was a bit stuck, having a hard time finding the words to describe what exactly I liked.

Staring at Rin’s work wasn’t new to me, but I usually refrained from commenting in depth. Her paintings were usually pleasant or unpleasant, which was the best and only way I could describe them. Either way, I always found them captivating, and finding the small details she adds was always the most enjoyable part for me. Putting into words what I enjoyed was trickier.

I had to try, anyways.

“I guess… the blue shapes…I like those the most.”

“Why?”

“Do I have to have a reason? Isn’t art subjective?”

Rin thought for a second before answering me.

“You have to have a reason. It’s okay if it’s a dumb reason. But there has to be one.”

If finding what I liked about her work was the hard part, I didn’t even know what to call having to answer “why.” Why did I like this one? Why did I like Rin’s paintings in general? Was it just because I had feelings for her? Was it because we were in a relationship? Those questions left doubts in my mind.

It couldn’t just be my feelings. Rin had an undeniably great skill as a painter. After all, she had put on a professional exhibition that people seemed to really like – people who were much more art-savvy than me. But that didn’t mean I had to like her work. After all, there are plenty of people who don’t like technically proficient art. But still, I liked Rin’s paintings. Why? It was a fair question.

At least ten minutes had passed since I started thinking about Rin’s painting. She had been pacing about behind me as I pondered her art and my feelings, and I was worried she wanted me to hurry up.

“Sorry that I’m taking so long. I’m just thinking.”

“That’s okay. I like being here. And with you. Besides, I want to hear what you think. It’s worth the wait.”

She must have realized that she had been pacing because she sat down beside me and put her head on my shoulder. I could hear her slow breathing and I could feel her heart beat, but I kept my eyes focused on the canvas in front of me.

I thought about just telling her all the technical things about the piece that I liked—the clear, clean lines, the vibrant colors, the beautifully abstract and almost human-like figures… I liked all of those things. But I wanted to know why I liked them.

The best place to start would be to understand how this piece made me feel. I started talking without knowing what I would say next.

“I can’t stop staring at the blue shapes. They make me… feel sad. I want to reach out and be a part of whatever is happening in there. The shapes remind me almost of someone who’s drowning, like I want to jump into the water and save them, even though I don’t know if I could. I know that’s not what’s happening, but it just… has that feeling, I guess. Sorry if that doesn’t make any sense.”

I sighed and put a hand to my face. I felt embarrassed, as if my comments had somehow tainted the painting and made it unenjoyable. I turned around to see what Rin thought.

She had one of the happiest, most beautiful smiles I had ever seen.

“Thank you, Hisao.”

That was not the reaction I was expecting.

“Did…did I get it right? Was that what you were going for?”

“No. I wasn’t really going for anything. But when you said that it felt like you understood it anyway. That’s what matters.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Thank God. I was worried I sounded like an idiot.”

“Everybody does. When you talk about art, you sound like an idiot. It’s one of the laws of the universe. But you sounded like a smart idiot. If you were an art critic, I think I would be okay with you writing about a painting I did.”

I couldn’t help but smile.

“A smart idiot, huh? I can live with that.”

“I’m glad.”

We sat there for a moment before packing up Rin’s painting in brown paper and closing up the art room for the day.

She named the painting “Catch.”

* * *

I had hardly examined the third painting Rin had demanded I interpret. After my first experience, I had become accustomed to explaining what I saw in her works. This was a unique responsibility as neither our interim art teacher nor the other students in the club were allowed to comment on her works as she claimed it would bring bad luck. The club knew to be wary of giving Rin bad luck.

The role of good-luck-charm had grown on me, but it meant more work for me as Rin’s productivity was shooting through the roof. I wasn’t certain why, but I assumed it was to build her portfolio for the colleges she was applying to. Whatever the reason, I was happy to see her driven by a desire to improve without having to fulfill the standards of anyone but herself.

Now she had finished another painting and had brought it to my attention. I was to describe how it made me feel, as if Rin was some sort of psychiatrist showing me an ink-blot test.

The seriousness of interpreting Rin’s paintings had faltered since the first time. Notably, I was focusing most of my concentration instead on cutting a peach into neat slices for me and Rin to eat as we pondered the meaning of paints on canvas. A snack helped with the later evening art sessions, though I still planned to get food with her afterward.

I offered Rin a peach slice as I posed a question, pointing with my unused hand.

“Is this color supposed to be the same color as the lines up here?”

She ate her bit of peach with incredible swiftness.

“You’re not allowed to ask questions.”

“I didn’t know that was a rule.”

“It’s not a rule. I’m just bad at answering. I think they’re the same color. But I don’t remember for sure and I can’t tell right now.”

I guess I couldn’t expect the most straightforward answer from Rin, though I didn’t blame her for not being able to distinguish the colors; the lights in the art room were off, so we were working only using the remains of the sunlight.

Regardless of the color, I felt a knot forming in my stomach as I looked at Rin’s painting. Usually, she liked to paint human figures, things like eyes, ears, feet, hands, and breasts. This painting had none, which made it seem eerily empty and inhuman. To make matters worse, the background was mostly off-white and grey. The only elements in the foreground were a figure that looked like a dead tree with two trunks and something resembling a fiery wisp, the same color as the tree. The rest was nearly blank.

The painting reminded me of my heart attack.

I must have started crying at some point. I wasn’t cutting the peach anymore. Rin had moved her stool right next to mine and was hugging me, but I still stared at the painting.

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.”

For a while, I didn’t.

“…It reminds me of my heart attack. The day I learned I had a disability.

“It was in the winter, in the middle of a forest, and a girl named Iwanako tried to confess to me when I collapsed. It was the scariest moment of my life.

“I see the snow from that day, I see the trees overhead, I see Iwanako, but I’m not there. I’m just another tree blending into the forest. The grey dots… when there’s pressure on my heart, I see something similar on the inside of my eyes. This painting is just like what I picture when I remember that day.”

Rin didn’t say anything for a long time. She just sat there holding me, and I held her in return. Her voice was incredibly soft.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to be that sad. It was supposed to be happy. Or happier.”

Of course she didn’t mean for it to be that sad. It wasn’t the painting’s fault. I was being overwhelmed by a moment in my past when I had felt my weakest. I thought I had let it go, but I was proving myself wrong. It wasn’t the painting. It was me.

Rin moved to face the painting with me as she started to speak.

“When I look at the brown things, I see the trees too but the branches are like the veins of the forest. Even in the winter, you can still see that it’s alive. If you look outside it’s the same thing.”

I tore my gaze away from the painting and looked outside. Sure enough, there were two trees leaning inward and gently swaying in the snow. It was just like Rin’s painting.

“I don’t know how trees live through the winter but it seems like everything has to be warm to be alive. When I feel warm in the winter it reminds me that I’m alive. So there’s a fire in the middle here.”

She pointed with her paint-spattered toes at the painted fire.

“I don’t know if that helps because it’s so different from what you said but I didn’t want you to keep crying unless you really wanted to. But you looked sad so it seemed like you wanted to stop crying.”

I had never heard her describe, let alone explain, any of her paintings before, and it must have worked. I wasn’t crying anymore. I was smiling.

“I see what you mean. It is really beautiful, Rin.”

Rin fidgeted.

“I don’t want you to think about that other person when you look at this. When I look at it, I see you and me. Maybe you’re the other tree or you’re the fire but it’s us. I don’t want you to see someone else.”

I looked out the window at the trees again and I felt like I understood. Even in the dead of winter, the two trees were leaning toward each other, doing nothing but gently swaying in the breeze. I could almost see the fire between them. I could almost feel it.

“I love you, Rin.”

She looked at me.

“Thanks. I love you too.”

As we kissed, the only other sound was the gentle knocking of branches from the trees outside.

She named the painting “Left and Right.”

* * *


End file.
